“It was great, but I’m not ready for a relationship…”
Gentlemen, take note, in response to a question I will tell you once and for all to explain what is behind this phrase and why we women get so upset about it, even if we didn’t want to be in a RS. Hopefully this will reduce the number of broken hearts after all of those Valentine dates ..
So this guy, let’s call him Mister Grant, had told me about his great night with a more mature woman he met on Tinder and with whom he spend a very hot night. When discussing their night the woman was as positive as he and yes, she wanted a new date, at least, until mister Grant said the worst thing a man can say in a situation like this: “… it was great but I’m not looking for a relationship, so..” and the war started.
Miter Grant was shocked. In his opinion both were clear about the fact is was just for sex. He only wanted to make the statement again, since he wanted to be just ‘careful’ in this situation, and even though he had a great time, he didn’t want her to have any expectations. And at the time the lady exploded he was didn’t know what happened. Was he an asshole or was she just a drama queen? So that’s why he came to me and asked for some enlightening on the subject.
So, without going in to deep on the details, let me explain you, gentlemen what happens when you say something like that, and even better, how to prevent this.
The explanation for this is in the essential difference in men and women in deciding about when to have sex.
For men it is simple: You see a nice girl (on Tinder) and think: ‘Jup, I’d fuck that’. You press like, have a match and then only have to find a way to get her into their beds.
So there is actually nothing personal about it. No click needed, no feelings of being safe, just attraction is enough.
For women it’s a little different, or maybe I should say, we need a bit more. In brief: When we enter your bedroom, we already decided that you probably are boyfriend material. You already won some rounds while you didn’t even know the game already started. Note: It’s a possibility, we didn’t plan our wedding yet 😉
This is how it works
Round 1, Get us interested
So, we se a nice guy on Tinder (or in the pub) and we get a little interested. We are curious to learn more in order to decide whether or not you are really nice. We haven’t thought about sex that much, let alone, decided. Round 1 will be won if we ‘like’ you and Tinder tells you: “You have a match!”.
Round 2, Attraction
Actually, we’re start really liken or disliking you here. We chat with you, and if you do it right, we find you kind and consider a date. At this point, we still are not sure whether we want to sleep with you or not, but you’ve already scored a second point if we exchange numbers.
Round 3, to date or not to date
We get to know you better and flirt a little, while it’s getting more and more personal. Then comes the moment when you’ve done it right, we like to meet with you a second time. We think we feel a connection but then wonder if you really are as nice as we think. Round 3 is won if we agree on a date with you.
Round 4, the click
So the date follows.. No matter if it´s at your home or in public, you are playing the next round, a round where everything counts. From your looks (because come on, who really looks like his profile picture?) to you smell, what you say, the way you talk, walk, – everything counts!
Actually, you better notice if you lose this round. Then you will notice that we will get less sociable as time goes on, we will look at our phone / watch, come up with an excuse and get out of there. If not, we allude to a continuation of the evening (directly or next weekend), then you can assume that you have bite.
Round 5, let’s get physical
If you have won round four we will look for more rapprochement. We might sit closer. If you make a joke, we laugh hard and maybe put our hand on your knee or thigh. If you have an arm around us we won´t dive away. When we lean forward slightly stroking a lock of hair out of our face our breath will halt because we think ‘will he try to kiss me? “.
Drop enough hints on how well you like to just have fun, and that you are not looking for a serious relationship, but are looking for someone to have some fun without any obligations.
But then.. (the bitchslap(ping))
So it became physical and when you feel the need to hit us with the clincher, you probably bequeathed something. Either you created indistinctness or worse, false hopes. Cause if you feel this need we can only think of two reasons why you hit us with this:
Option 1: We did something wrong in bed, which is a big blow to our self-confidence,
or option 2: You only used us, cause we know that if it’s not option 1 you just used us to get into our pants, without thinking about our feelings or being honest. And knowing that hurts. We feel it as a personal, and serious rejection. So it is only logic we get upset and angry, and underhand it allows us to cause some drama 😉
In summary: A man from who we can not imagine that it could ever result in a relationship, we won’t spread our legs for (deliberately chose fuck buddies aside), for you as a man, there is usually no click required to jump to sex.
Before we sleep with you, we both have an idea about what the other probably thinks and expects. Maybe you are not sure it will end in a serious relationship (we aren’t sure about that either), but you do know whether it is an option and you want to give it a chance or if you just want to fuck us.
If the chances for having a serious RS are very slim, you have to be clear about that BEFORE you sleep with us, giving us the honest chance to decide whether we still want to sleep with you in this case.
If you don’t do this, you are an abject asshole who only uses women, and yes, in that case we will declare war on you!
How things should be
Actually I already made that clear. Make sure you both know what you expect from each other. Yes, talking nice will get you into her bed, and pre-announcing you only want to have sex will reduce your chances considerably, but it is the best and honest thing to do.
Show her enough respect, tell her you really like her, you want to rock her night, and so on.. but you are not looking for something on the long term (this keeps it impersonal).
Then, give her the chance to decide whether or not she still wants to leave with you, knowing it will only be for the night.
However, in some cases miscommunication is formed afterwards. If you’re going to tell us how very great you thought it was and that you like to see us again and can’t stop thinking about the night and so on, we will probably get under the impression that there is a chance of more, that you do like us. You then still created the expectations that you wanted prevented.
Should this occur, I recommend you to really be careful how you let us down, best is to just let it bleed out. That’s a less harsh rejection but the message remains clear. If this does not work because she sees right through you and opens fire, then you have to go through dust. Apologize, say you’re the biggest jerk and that she did not deserve this and try to finish it in the best possible way
Tip for the ladies!
Spare yourself the misery that a lot of women nowadays go through since dating has become very easy with the arise of Tinder, and even the biggest losers manage to score. Save yourself a lot of trouble by indicating your expectations and take the following to heart:
With special thanks to Mister Grant, for allowing me to share his story!
* Of course, ‘every’ is relative. Not all Women (and men) will react the same and every situation is different 😉